BDSM and trust

BDSM and trust, power and leadership in business.

Some time ago, I was contacted via Instagram by a creative director, writer and speaker who conducts research into leadership, trust, power and human dynamics, particularly in the context of the business world.

During our contact, an extensive conversation ensued about BDSM, Dominance & submission and the role of trust within such relationships.

His questions were designed to better understand the BDSM world. To explore whether there might be connections between BDSM and business, especially in the areas of leadership and trust.

Our conversation culminated in an in-depth interview with me and my partner about our thoughts on desire, power, trust, surrender and connection.

With his permission, I share below the questions he asked and our answers.

NB: I gave the interview under the name ‘Rose’ because my partner gave it to me. He thinks I’m beautiful, sweet and gentle, but also sharp-witted. 

In the world of BDSM, it is not unusual for a Dom to give his or her sub a name of their own choosing – a name that he or she feels suits the sub.

Interview on BDSM and trust

Conversation with Rose (submissive) and Alpha (Dominant). Source material on trust in the Dom/sub dynamic.

Background

Dear Rose,

Thanks for the opportunity to ask questions about BDSM and your interpretation of it. Below are my questions and thoughts.

With these questions, I want to get to know and understand the BDSM world better, especially the dynamics between Dominance and submission and how trust is fleshed out and concretised in it. In addition, I see similarities with leadership, power and inequality between BDSM and business.

The purpose of these questions is to enhance my understanding. Along with other conversations, I want to apply some of this in presentations, blog posts and books. I highly respect you and will never abuse your openness or personal information.

I ask systemic questions below, as well as private ones. This is because apart from the systematics, I am also curious about the trade-offs underneath. This too helps me understand the whole dynamic better.

Discovery and appointments

I did the BDSMtest.org. This is an easy way to identify preferences, but it is just confirmation of what is already there (I am 85% vanilla). How did you discover your own preference(s)? How did you come into contact with BDSM?

Rose: As a child, I was sitting in the living room playing with my barbies when suddenly the music video ‘Paradise by the dashboard light’ by Meat Loaf came on the TV. I was immediately mesmerised by the dynamic between the man and the woman. He big, dominant, compelling. She fragile, submissive, yet somewhat antagonistic.

I reenacted the scene with my dolls and from then on the D/s thing grew with me. Once grown up, I never had any interest in vanilla sex. Tenderness bored me, as did average nice men.

I don't fall for nice. I gravitate towards dominance, arrogance, intelligence deployed in a dictatorial manner. I want to be able to worship someone. Obey. I want to work for compliments, feel threat of punishment.

It wasn't until I met Alpha that I finally found what I had been missing in relationships all these years. We turned out to have the same fantasies.

Alpha: With me, it started differently. I have always been dominant in relationships, the nature of the beast. Although I did sometimes have more extreme fantasies, I never put them into practice; not the right partners for that.

When I saw videos on the internet of tattooed women having all kinds of things done to them, it rekindled my fantasies. Tattoos are not done in my area, so I found these ladies all the more exciting.

When I came across Rose on Facebook, I was immediately sold. I had to have her. Once we got talking and she opened up bit by bit, we turned out to have the same fantasies. And we discovered them together.

The theory says that a Dom/sub relationship starts with a clear alignment of what the needs and wants of both are, what is within the agreement and what is not, and what things are absolutely forbidden. These agreements and boundaries are put in writing and reviewed regularly. Is this just theory, or is this really how it works in practice?

Rose: This is different for every BDSM couple, but for us it is somewhat true. Alpha gave me some rules to follow at the beginning of our relationship. Over time, things have been added to this. This did go by mutual agreement.

He told me his new fantasy one day and asked if I would like this in real life. I found it very exciting so agreed. If I would like to enter something, that is also possible. I then neatly submit a request to him and he decides whether it happens or not.

Have you made clear agreements?

Alpha: Yes.

What is in the agreements?

Alpha: We keep that private. It's about rules Rose has to abide by, but also responsibilities I bear towards her.

How did you determine consent?

Rose: I gave Alpha consent once. It is valid indefinitely. So no consultation is needed every time.

Are appointments regularly updated?

Alpha: Whenever I see fit.

Is there a hard-no list?

Rose: Yes. There are things I absolutely do not want. Alpha respects that.

You have no safe-word, but if another person is involved in bdsm activities, do you agree?

Rose: There is never another involved. I don't share my King.

Alpha: I have no reason to want anything else. Rose is complete.

Are you Dom/sub for yourself or for the other?

Rose: I am sub for Alpha. Submissive to him. He is my Dom, therefore dominant over me.

Do you also have vanilla sex or is the sex always part of the Dom/Sub dynamic?

Rose: Sometimes. But even then, Alpha is in charge, deciding what happens when and how.

Is it common in your immediate circle to clearly set, discuss and formalise boundaries prior to sessions? Or is there some kind of general moral code that everyone knows?

Rose: I gave Alpha consent once. This is ongoing, so consultation is not necessary with us each time. We don't have a stop word because I want Alpha to set my limit. This is personal, many BDSM couples disagree with this, believe a safeword is necessary.

But then, as a sub, I still have the power. Then I decide when it stops. Instead, I want to be able to hand over all control to a Dom who is intelligent enough and knows me so well that he knows exactly how far he can go. That's Alpha 100%.

Submissive

Can you describe the need behind the choice to live as a sub?

Rose: In daily life, I do everything myself. Housework, work, finances. I run two businesses, a lot of arranging for myself and others. I love it when at Alpha I can let go of all responsibilities for a while. Have to follow instead of lead.

What is the main reason you have chosen this way of life?

Rose: Actually, I am quite dominant. I like having a partner who is above me. Not to be walked over. I find the idea that I have to keep tiptoeing around him, keep doing my best not to lose his approval exciting. It keeps the relationship from boring me.

I was walking past a concert hall in my city and realised that, very occasionally, I experience complete surrender when listening to music. This led me to the following thought: does the interpretation of sub have to do with this? Does it have to do with being allowed to let go of control, obligations and expectations?

Rose: Sure.

Does your role of submissive carry over into everyday life? If so how?

Rose: Yes. With everything I do, I do think: Will Alpha approve? Am I making him proud? I also get inspired by little things that happen in everyday life. Does it bring me ideas to do or make something for him again, surprise him, spoil him, please him.

How important is sex/lust within the Dom/sub dynamic, as much as within normal relationships, or significantly more?

Rose: Lust plays a very big role for both of us. Alpha is my dream man both externally and internally. His body, but also his brain and his look. The reason we don't want to live together is also precisely because we don't want the lust to disappear.

In many regular relationships that also involve family life, household arrangements, financial hassles, work commitments, family visits, mandatory or otherwise, etc., you see that after a while, the rut creeps in. You see each other every day. Even in less prosperous circumstances. There is often busyness, fatigue, but also habituation that makes lust and sex fade into the background and the partners become more like buddies.

For many people, that can also be very nice, but it's not what makes me happy. I was married for 25 years to the sweetest man in the world, but the predictability, the lack of excitement made me numb.

We have since divorced and he is still my very best friend. But in Alpha, I find the lover of my dreams. And because we only see each other once a week or sometimes two or three weeks, it also stays exciting. And fun.

Rose, you are on F2f, partly because your Dom enjoys sharing his Sub with the world. Is this correct? Is there another reason that belongs directly to BDSM?

Rose: In BDSM, this falls under the kink ‘exposure’. Here, the Dom enjoys others seeing and admiring his sub. It is part of possession/ownership dynamics, where the Dom feels pride, possession or status as his property receives attention.

Dominant

In a Dom/sub relationship, there is a clear power differential. The Dominant has all the power and must use it responsibly. But the power has been given to him after concrete conversations and agreements. It is up to him not to shame the power. Is this correct?

Alpha: True.

How does Dom's role affect his ordinary life and work? Does he benefit from this, from decisions, or group dynamics?

Alpha: I have always been autonomous in both relationships and work. My relationship with Rose makes no difference in this.

Was the character there first and is the role of Dom a natural next step, or with the role of Dom did the character and behaviour become more focused and come together?

Alpha: The character was already there. Rose nurtured it.

Is sex important to him within his role as Dom? Is sex as a Dom different from ordinary sex? Does he experience excitement in hurting his Sub, or rather in realising that you enjoy total surrender?

Alpha: Sex as a Dom is liberating. I don't have to hold back, there are few restrictions. I don't hurt her. I enjoy her doing what I say. And that she visibly enjoys my pleasure.

Leadership

Because the Dom has power only when it is explicitly granted, one can also say that leadership is not a right but a privilege. Leadership is thus more than a title or a role, but a responsibility that is not optional. Am I seeing this correctly?

Alpha: True. Rose has chosen me as Dom. This is not a right, it is indeed a privilege. With to me the responsibility to fulfil this role properly.

If you draw a parallel to leadership in business or organisations, I now see that leadership in this is actually only partially fulfilled, only at the level of role assignment. Power is not granted by subordinates, but explicitly linked to the role. In addition, subordinates do not surrender. A subordinate chooses a job, but not the boss. Leadership, power and responsibility are thus constantly under tension.

Within a Dom/Sub relationship, it is clearly discussed what each participant wants, what they consider important, what he/she expects from the other, where boundaries run, how agreements are set, etc. Only then can each other be chosen and power assigned/transferred.

Now, it is not possible within the work environment to follow the same procedures, but I can imagine that a derived set of agreements creates more clarity and peace within power imbalances at work. How do you see this?

Rose: Not everything depends on good agreements. Good agreements do not guarantee a personal click. You can stick to the agreements, but if you are annoyed with the person you made them with, keeping them up also becomes a lot harder. Making good agreements is not the same as consciously choosing each other.

Masculinity

Following conversations with you, I started thinking about the different sides of leading and being led. Among other things, about my own masculinity and to what extent I support my partner. For instance, by taking worries out of his hands and making quicker and more concrete choices for both of us. This also causes more peace in our relationship. Do you recognise this? Is this a kind of Dom/sub-light effect, or not at all?

Rose: I see this more as caring, adaptability and acting appropriately within a regular relationship. Which I'm sure your partner will appreciate, by the way. In most relationships, one partner is more dominant than the other. Although you can complement each other well with this, it is different from the dynamics within a D/s relationship.

Another aspect of masculinity I read in an article online. Apparently, men are now entering the community, without knowledge, depth or background, with a different interpretation of masculinity. This causes annoyance and misunderstandings. How do you guys see masculinity in the Dom/sub dynamic?

Rose: I wouldn't speak so much of masculinity, as there are also a lot of female Doms in the D/s dynamic. Dominatrixes, Mistresses, whatever you want to call it. This is what these gentlemen, indeed apparently through lack of knowledge, completely ignore.

I read online in a story (erotica) of a woman who identifies as a sub. She shares a very intense fantasy where she undergoes a session without boundaries. Apparently, in addition to the existing regimented arrangement with her Dom, a day is agreed with no limits and no safeword. Her Dom lends her to 5 men who spend a day doing anything they can think of. It seems like a very extreme variant to me. How do you guys experience such a description? Is this standard for a certain niche, or is this intense for everyone?

Rose: I find this an extreme variation. Such a fantasy is also far from appealing to all Doms or subs. BDSM is broad and very personal. What one person finds exciting, another may find shivering. In any case, this is not our thing, but everyone fills this in for themselves. Every need comes from personal past experiences, childhood developments combined with character and personality.

For whom is this particularly pleasing? For the Dom or for the Sub?

Rose: This can be pleasant for both, according to their needs and desires.

Do BDSM activities ever go wrong? Do people incur trauma due to wrong engagements etc?

Rose: I think so. Especially when people with no knowledge just start something, no or no clear agreements. Even when the sub indicates that there are no boundaries, I think a Dom should be able to decide when enough is enough. Is it his job to prevent psychological, emotional or physical harm to the sub.

Exactly why I chose a Dom with intellect and empathy. I serve him and he leaves me whole.

Would you like to read the full article that resulted from the interview?

The paradox of power: How BDSM can be applied to leadership in the workplace.